”You Will Never Be Without Me, and I Will Never Be Without You”

Azazel was my 100lb, half European/half American Doberman and soul dog. He was every bit of a dream come true as he was my first Doberman after a lifetime of longing for one. He gave me 8 unbelievable years before he unfortunately passed away due to cancer on August 22nd, 2023.

Throughout his precious lifetime, the amount of valuable lessons he taught me is simply boundless, and ones I think every Doberman enthusiast should take a closer look at.

Azazel did not come from “fancy” bloodlines. He was not the son of celebrated champions. Despite that, I assure you…he was perfection in a black and rust coat. He was everything you’d want in a Doberman, which is why in my program, HE is the bar. He is what I will aim for every single time I make a pairing. He changed my life in such positive ways. I cannot explain the magnitude of the impact he has made on my heart and soul.
 
Protective. Instinctually intelligent. Fearless. Loyal. Goofy. Glued to my side. Unmistakably “mine.” He took exactly what I wanted in a Doberman and not only met that expectation, but exceeded far past it. Being in his presence was the safest I’ve ever felt. He loved his family with every heartbeat until the very last. There is not a single detail I would change. My only wish is that I had more time with him…

Those moments spent alone with him in the vets office when I had to say goodbye are some of the most precious and bittersweet of my lifetime. They are what fiercely motivate me but at the same time, they eat me alive even a year later. As much as it has devastated me, I have to keep pressing forward for what I believe is right for the Doberman, and one of the only courses of action left to save them.
 
Because of how astoundingly perfect he was despite coming from pure hobby pedigrees, Azazel taught me to not ignore the importance of pet lines when it comes to trying to save this breed from DCM….because a Doberman is still a Doberman. Although Azazel’s life was tragically cut short by cancer, there are a surprising number of dogs in hobby lines that live into their teen years…something that is almost unheard of anymore in this breed. Something that should be utilized to our advantage but is overlooked or even shunned by most.
 
Ultimately, my goal is to create mixed blood Dobermans that have the intelligence, family orientation, and trainability of American Dobermans but also possess the size, stopping power, physique, fearlessness, and working mindset of European Dobermans. All the while I will be incorporating hobby lines from distant pedigrees to give us all the best chance at what I, myself, only wish I could have had with Azazel…more time.

In my opinion, perfection in Dobermans isn’t found in the show ring. It isn’t even found on working grounds. It is found in the bond created by loving a Doberman so deeply that he becomes an extension of yourself, and in return, you become an extension of him…no matter his pedigree.
 
I will take advantage of every avenue I can to build the bridge that most everyone refuses to…all thanks to my Azazel showing me real Dobermans can still be found in overlooked lines. The trifecta of working dogs, show dogs, and hobby lines will shine through in all of my litters.

You can find more detailed information on why we are mixing lines here.

Azazel was dreamt of and loved more than he knew before he ever even came into this world. My fascination with his breed is fate, and I always knew I would have them in my life someday in one way or another.

From the very moment I saw Dobermanns for the first time at the young age of 4, they struck a curiosity, wonder, and a huge passion in my heart that no other breed ever had. Since then, they have had a spell on me, and my obsession only grows by the second. They are not just another dog to me. They are THE perfect dog.

I waited, though it was absolutely unbearable, for the right time and place to finally purchase my first hound from someone named Linda. After many successful years of working with German Shepherds, Linda decided to move onto Dobermans. Before, she bred, raised, and trained German Shepherds for police work, search and rescue, drug detection, and personal protection. Thankfully, this litter was at a time where I was finally stable enough in my life to move forward. Linda was not only Azazel’s breeder, but my best friend (sis) of many years Mother. She was also like a second Mother to me. Linda is the reason I am more than ok with being “the crazy dog lady.” I was truly blessed when it came to being a part of their family. Not only did I get to spend every moment I could with my best friend and make countless childhood memories, I got to study closely under someone who had direct experience with what I knew I wanted to do. I could not fully comprehend it at the time, but it undoubtedly was a dream come true and a time I will always carry close to my heart that was full of experience I still use to this day. Being able to get my first Doberman puppy from a mentor and friend before she unfortunately passed away meant the absolute world to me. It is one of the reasons that makes losing him so impossibly hard.

A few weeks after the puppies were born, my family and I went to her house to pick out which one we wanted. I knew I wanted a boy. I knew his name was going to be Azazel. But I had NO idea of the immense impact he would have on my life from that very day forward.

My husband, my kids and I all walked into the room where they were kept. We sat my daughter down, who was still asleep in her car seat covered with a light blanket to keep out the sun. Almost immediately, we were rushed by a pack of little wriggly bodies. The excitement was overwhelming as I reached out to pet every single one. Their fur was velvety soft and puppy breath filled the air. My son was laughing at how fast and curious they all were crowding at our feet.

I looked up to see Linda smiling and staring at something behind me. She caught my eye and pointed. I turned around to see puppy Azazel almost completely under the blanket with my daughter in her car seat, his butt hanging out and his tail wagging as fast as it possibly could. It was in that moment I fell absolutely head over heels in love with him. I knew he was meant to be mine.

The drive home with him was so funny. Here I thought that, after all these years of wanting a Doberman, I would be crying like a baby. However, I was so overwhelmed with happiness and in disbelief that I finally had him that I just couldn’t. If I didn’t feel the warmth from his little body in my lap and his kisses on my hand, I wouldn’t have believed it was real.

As a puppy, Azazel was absolutely precious. Looking back now its hard to imagine that the lil string bean of a pup growing into the 100lb monster he ended up being. At first, my little mutt dog, Luna, wouldn’t accept him. She would hide under the couch or table and show her teeth while he tried to get to her, his lil butt in the air and tail wagging. It took almost a month of him trying to win her over for her to finally dart out from under the table one random day and start playing together.

One of the most impressive things about Azazel was just how quickly his instincts shined through. There are two big instances that stand out in my mind.

The first one was when he was only a couple of months old. We lived in a downstairs apartment with noisy upstairs neighbors. I never complained because I know how it is to live above someone. No matter what you do, you will never be able to stop the noise completely. However, one day when I had my daughter in her bouncy chair on the floor watching cartoons, two women upstairs started arguing. It quickly escalated from arguing to hearing punches connect. Azazel shot up from where he was playing with his toy to go stare at the door. The tiniest of growls bellowed out of his chest. Suddenly, a huge BOOM was heard from upstairs accompanied by more yelling. Azazel ran to my daughter, who was still in her chair, and stood over her facing the door. His fur was raised and his growling continued until everything calmed down. I could not believe that this few months old pup was willing to protect my daughter from an unknown threat.

The other time was when he was around 7 months old. I had stayed up entirely too late one cold weekend playing games. When I finally decided to go to bed it was about 3am. Azazel was used to his routine-get let out, come back inside, get tucked in, and go to bed. Nothing was out of the ordinary. At the time, I was wearing a big jacket with a hood on, so I could only see what was in front of me. I watched Azazel do his little trot back and forth, trying to find the perfect spot to pee. I was kinda zoning out until I saw Azazel’s attention suddenly snap onto something that I couldn’t see. He lunged to the side on his back feet, mouth open and teeth showing, growling like I had never heard him growl before. When I was able to get my grips and look at what he was after, I saw a man dressed in all black heavy clothing. I couldn’t make out his face because it was so insanely dark. I was absolutely terrified. Azazel kept barking at the man as I watched him stumble backwards and almost fall. He ran back in the direction he came from and I never saw him again. I rushed inside after that.

Sis (left) and Linda (right) I love you both so much!

Those were not the only instances where Azazel proved to me what an amazing guardian he was. Every single day with him, I felt safe and secure. He wouldn’t let strangers come near me on walks without first addressing him. And although he would let people pet him, you could always see in his face that he was only feeling them out in order to watch over me. Getting pets and love from anyone outside of his family wasn’t ever high on his list.

Though Azazel was a perfect protector, that is only a part of who he was as a whole. Underneath the hard exterior was an animal who made me smile and laugh every single day. The way he put his ears so far back he looked like a seal always cracked me up. The way his big ass trotted gracefully through our house even though he was 100lbs was so funny to see. The way he would shove his head in my lap and press down as hard as he could until I gave him pets never failed to make me feel wanted and loved. The way his head popped up from beside my bed when it was time to wake was the best part of my morning. The way he would get comfy before I tucked him in for the night was the sweetest thing. The way he wouldn’t tear up his favorite toys, but instead hold them in his mouth and squeak them over and over to make me laugh…He always knew exactly what I needed.

The time that I had him, I was losing the battle with my mental health. Some days I would feel ok. Other days I felt like the world was going to end. During those dreadful times, my hound was there to comfort me in his own special way. Over the years he helped me slowly learn to accept myself again. The way he loved me so unconditionally is a love only found in fairytales…and Dobermans. It is what shielded me from the darkness long enough to be strong enough to do it on my own.

But the way he looked at me…. God, the way he looked at me… that was my favorite thing about him. I knew I was his favorite. He knew he was mine…. “unmistakably mine.”

Eight spectacular years I got to spend by his side. I was blessed enough to be able to watch him go from rambunctious puppy to refined gentleman with salt and pepper hair on his snout. Though it might sound like a long time…. I will always wish for even a minute longer with my number one hound.

August 22nd, 2023-The day a vet checkup turned into a heartbreaking nightmare

After thorough examinations, the veterinarian came back into my room with Azazel’s x-rays. Her face clearly saddened by what she had seen. The words “I’m afraid I don’t have good news” still give me chills to this day. “He has blood everywhere in his abdomen, making it hard to breathe and his heart to beat. It looks like we are in the last stages of hemangiosarcoma. If you take him home today, I am afraid he will die tragically, suddenly, and in a lot of pain.”

She then explained that most of the time, owners don’t even realize their dogs have this cancer because it affects blood vessels…making it a silent killer. It didn’t stop me from feeling like complete shit. Like I had absolutely failed him. I still hold onto that guilt to this day… Even though he was a warrior up until the very end. He never even acted as if he was in pain… but now, I knew he was. It destroyed me.

I made the heartbreaking decision that his last moments would be there that day-better spent leaving this earth with dignity-with me alone after my family had reluctantly said their goodbyes. The moments where he crossed the bridge from life to death would be spent in my arms, telling him just how much he meant to me. They would be filled with nothing but love.

He was entirely too big for a table, so we put blankets and pillows on the floor to make him comfortable. I laid him down on his side and told him to “wait.” I wrapped my body around his as much as I could. My hands were shaking as I gently petted his gorgeous face. I told him how much I loved him at least a hundred times. As the veterinarian administered the medicine, I thought not only about how much I would miss him, but how much he would be missing me too…

I whispered in his ear, over and over again until he took his last breaths: ”You will never be without me, and I will never be without you. You will never be without me, and I will never be without you.”

Those are the last words he heard before he left this Earth. To be able to have him pass pain free with dignity, love, and reassurance… I will always be extremely grateful to my vet for that. It’s the only thing that genuinely helps me feel better about the impossible decision I had to make. It took three people to be able to carry him and take him out of the room after he was gone… my huge, strong boy until the very end. Warrior in mind and body. Perfection.

If you have made it this far, know that these stories are only a drop in the bucket compared to the full story of Azazel, and I will be making a complete YouTube video expanding on everything within the next year. He is my reason for never giving up on this magnificent breed.